Greatest fears

The whirlwind inside me has been increasing the pressure lately and all the stable and concrete things inside of me seem to revolve around with equatorial speed, but one thing that has kept me sane and has kept me "intact" for so to speak is a belief. Yes, a belief.

A belief that doesn't let me loose my temper, a belief that keeps me sane for most of my day in 24 hours/day, a belief with which when I walk, I can hold my head high, a belief that makes me believe that I will smile cheerfully again even though I don't remember when was the last time I did laughed my stomach out, and a believe that I will see the morning again.

I consider of myself & everyone around myself as a person of great integrity and character values. For myself, I hold myself to the highest levels of expectations every minute of everyday of every month of every year. I have a reading target, an exercise target, a networking target and to much a surprise to many people - a spiritual target as well.

Ideally, I would hold myself to the highest standards and then fret about not completing them if I end up not meeting them. Over the years I remained ferment and versatile, yet restless & hopeful.

I wanted to become more, I want to learn more, do more, give more, contribute more, read more, explore more. But all I can see myself is to remain reduced to nothing but a mere mortal. I would love to define what a mere mortal stands for in my terms, but I rather not. There is not one day I feel, I should be doing more than what I have been doing, there is no one moment, I think I should be writing more than I have been doing lately, not one second passes feeling that I can be the greatest achiever of all, but all I have is some lame schedule around me.

It is quite clear that I am frustrated and deeply moved by this present state of my mind.